Editor’s Note: This is a satire, not meant to be taken literally. 

Candy canes. Some may love them, but they are wrong. Who in their right mind would want a red 40-fueled stick of sugar? The answer should be no one.

Candy canes are dangerous. They can be utilized for criminal activities, much like a knife. Any person to have laid a finger upon the red and white stripes knows that they can be sharpened beyond any human comprehension and be used to rob and extort people, I’ve seen it happen multiple times, usually, the government hides it, but I know otherwise. The government also puts treacherous chemicals into these cane shaped devils, such as Xylitol which can harm and even kill a poor defenseless dog. Candy canes also contain refined sucrose, which can lead to degrading dental health, as well as diabetes. I remember my dog Bruiser; he was the sweetest dog and never hurt a soul. But he got ahold of a candy cane, and he went up to doggy heaven.

Candy canes are not just dangerous, consuming a candy cane provides a sense of ennui. These refined sucrose daggers also have a threadlike plastic wrapper surrounding the cane, which is quite a boondoggle; it never wholly opens the way you want it to. The plastic sheath of this striped sword always vexes people, and once you think it’s all off the candy cane, you eat it and feel the unpleasant feeling of the synthetic material in your maw.

But this begs the question, how is one supposed to “eat” a candy cane? You would think you could start anywhere, but this is simply not possible, due to the cane like shape, the curved hilt of the cane is almost impossible to ingurgitate. So, you must start at the shaft of the cane. But once more, most don’t eat the candy cane. For the harshness of the candy cane is put on full display, when bitten it becomes captive within a person’s teeth, which is exceedingly annoying. This means that a person who wants to devour a candy cane must slowly suckle a candy cane till it is finished, but suckling the handle of a cane is nearly impossible, so you are forced to eat it and deal with the hard candy particles between your teeth. My great grandmother Gertrude Rone ate a candy cane, the particles became entrenched in her gums, and she suffocated it was a horrible and gruesome death. This is a warning passed down through generations of the Rone family, DO NOT eat candy canes.

I dislike candy canes; hopefully no poor soul is persuaded by these facinorous peppermint sticks after reading all of this. The facetious nature of these candy canes tries to capitalize off of Christmas cheer, don’t let them scam you this year. Don’t let them burrow into your brain, squash the bug of candy canes, unite and destroy all canes.