“Cocaine Bear”: UnBEARably Mediocre

I think I needed what the bear was having to get through this movie.


Photo IMDb

The official theatrical poster for “Cocaine Bear.”

Grace Shafer, Staff Writer

“Good Burger” and “Not Another Teen Movie,” are top-tier examples of good and bad movies. There is a certain art to a good or bad movie, and I just don’t think Cocaine Bear qualifies as either.

After a bear consumes millions of dollars worth of lost cocaine and goes on a crazed rampage, an eccentric gathering of parents, park rangers, drug dealers, kids and teens attempt to navigate a forest on their separate journeys but are met with some hairy complications.

I am usually a bad movie enthusiast because I just love laughing at the insanity of its production and dialogue. I would say these aspects were laughable in “Cocaine Bear,” but not necessarily comedic.

I watched it with my friend and we were both laughing at more of the small, non-intentional comedic details. I will say that it was apparently hilarious to the common man because there were times when people in the theater were roaring with laughter.

As I said before, more of the non-verbal, goofy motions were making me laugh and this is because the screenplay was one of the laziest I’ve seen in a movie in a while. Not necessarily Hallmark-bland level, but just inert and rushed. It reminded me of something similar to a line of a rap song. It could tell the entire story or main theme in just a short 5-10 words; the characters and stories would be introduced and explained in one blunt sentence. I understand that the focus was more on their reaction to the bear, but I still think the dialogue could have been a lot more developed.

I want to take the time to shine some light on undoubtedly the funniest feature of the movie, a teenage character named Stache or “Kid.” After he and his goons are beaten up by one of the main characters, he ends up helping this character on his journey to the forest. From the moment we meet him, it’s just comedic gold. He’s goofy and sassy, a drastic contrast to the other drab characters. If I was watching this movie purely for pleasure (if I wasn’t reviewing it), his character would be the only thing keeping me from leaving the theater.

If for some reason after reading this review of an extremely mediocre comedy movie, you decide to go to watch it, I must warn you: this is an absurdly gory movie. Like there’s a scene with fully exposed organs, so if you’ve never been prone to that level of bloodshed, I would sit this one out.

For what this movie was, it serves its purpose. It obviously left the people in my theater happy and comedically satisfied so it’s at least doing its job. But in my opinion, I would just say, if you’re an enjoyer of even near-quality cinema, I would stay far away from this movie.