Personally, I hate mentioning that I have a boyfriend. It makes me shiver. And even talking about other people’s boyfriends makes me lose interest immediately. However, I really thought this perspective was defined to only me. That it was my own loss of interest in men that held this idealism. But when I scrolled on TikTok to see the new viral Vogue article by Chante Joseph “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?,” I had to give it a read.
It seems that my once thought “far-fetched,” warped opinion about boyfriends is not just confined to me, but many other women in the world. Joseph first begins her argument with her anecdote about her annoyance with girls, even mentioning “my boyf–” on social media. She states that she automatically mutes them when hearing about their boyfriend too much in their content. While this is a comical idea, I don’t hate it. We can all name a couple girls we know who get a new boyfriend and then all you hear about her, is him. I don’t mind his presence entering our conversations, as long as it doesn’t take over. Joseph refers to this shift as entering “Boyfriend Land,” a magically distorted world where women’s online identities become completely centered around their partners. I love Joseph’s note about how this situation is so rarely reversed, bringing light to the strangely traditional gender roles in the situation.
While this doesn’t apply to most of us who don’t profit over views, Joseph also states that since back then women were awarded when finding a man with social status and praise. The new modern take seems to be using a boyfriend for engagement on social media.
Next, Joseph talks about her skepticism towards the shift of showcasing partners online. Subtly dissing the way girls attempt to mysteriously reveal they have a new partner in ways to hide their identity, she sees it as interestingly insightful to the way women view having a boyfriend. This made me seriously think of what caused this shift and why us women seem to feel this way.
Joseph sees it as “the result of women wanting to straddle two worlds: one where they can receive the social benefits of having a partner, but also not appear so boyfriend-obsessed that they come across as quite culturally loser-ish.”
While I disagree about the first half, I think there is a cultural stigma surrounding having a boyfriend. The Delusional Diaries podcast even discusses why having a boyfriend is considered “lame” now. Some of the top comments even state: “Why does having a boyfriend feel Republican?” and “Boyfriends are out of style.”
Joseph says it seems that there is “an overwhelming sense of guilt of having one.” She sees that “it is now fundamentally uncool to be a boyfriend-girl.”
So much so that one of the commenters even states, “Having a boyfriend typically takes hits on a woman’s aura.”
My critique of this deeply insightful article is that from the surface it seems like Vogue is framing not wanting a boyfriend as something chic and quirky. When in reality, the overall shift shows that a partner is not seen as close to an achievement anymore.
I think this is a product of modern gender roles shifting. Not so long ago a woman’s worth was tied to their partner, but now it seems that a woman’s own individuality and solitude is now more important. Women of our age may be the first to hold the privilege of refusing a partner and deciding for themselves.
Obviously people still fall in love, and to be in a heterosexual relationship means having a boyfriend. But I think it is truly interesting how women are choosing to not need men.
“Where being single was once a cautionary tale (you’ll end up a “spinster” with loads of cats), it is now becoming a desirable and coveted status—another nail in the coffin of a centuries-old heterosexual fairytale that never really benefited women to begin with,” Joseph said.
